Major Depressive Disorder

When I was in high school I had Major Depression. For a couple of years I was really withdrawn, and only had a small amount of people I considered friends, a long with at that time my boyfriend. Counseling never helped, and I never really liked talking to anyone because I had that mentality that those people were only doing their jobs and never really wanted the best for me. I would cry all the time at night, went days without eating, felt like a failure to my friends and family and insomnia was one of my greatest weaknesses. I literally could go days without sleeping and it even reached the point where doctors had to give me anti depressants to help me. However, I was forbidden to take those medications because my parents, well my mom did not want me to take them. I lost a majority of my friends because I tended to be kind of morbid, at that time all I would talk about is ways to die, or [I wonder how the world would be like if I wasn't around] or [would people be happier had I died when I was a baby and not survive being born prematurely].

Though shame followed me for a long time, I have small marks on my arms and legs to show that cutting was my way out of the unhappiness I kept feeling. It's a nasty road to go down because there is nothing worse in someone's life than feeling empty and surrounded by nothing but darkness all the time. I would like to blame the guy I was dating at that time for my emotional instability, because he would constantly tell me that [no one but him will ever love me] or that my family doesn't love me, because if they did they wouldn't [constantly shove losing weight down my back]. I was constantly given diet pills, constantly thrown in exercise programs, constantly having to work out, and constantly changing diets despite me being at a normal weight level. My unhappiness grew, and I became socially withdrawn. After awhile, I stopped caring that all my friends left me, because I still had my boyfriend [at that time] and I still had my best friend who was like my sister at my side. My depression got deeper the last semester of my senior year when that best friend betrayed me to the greatest extent, and after that with that boyfriend breaking up our relationship for stupid reasons. It felt like the remains of my world crashing and burning before me with no way of escape.

Today, presently, I don't feel like I am in that dark void. Did I seek help? I wanted to, but I didn't. I sought help from my church, and God. It took a while but eventually God paved a way for me to be happy, and though at times I am battling with a small side of my depression that has yet to leave me, and though there are times where I feel unhappy with myself, or I feel like everything is going wrong over and over again....I choose to think that God, perhaps is preparing me for something greater. It eases the pain somehow, and the whole I had/have tends to gradually fill up, thoughts of suicide turn to thoughts of life.

I don't believe in medication, and I probably never will. It's probably because of what I went though, that I made myself mentally stronger, but at the same time mentally weaker. I get emotional really fast, and I do blame myself for things I shouldn't, and I over think many-many-many things and that is probably why my stress is so high, especially with how things are with my family at the moment. But, even though I am physically tired, and the problems in my life are increasing, I don't think I'm in that state of Major Depression again, because I'm getting stronger when back then I wasn't.

Major Depression, according to PsychCentral in their article Depression and MDD talks about this disorder.

Clinical depression is characterized by the presence of the majority of these symptoms:

• Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feeling sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). (In children and adolescents, this may be characterized as an irritable mood.)
• Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day
• Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
• Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
• Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day
• Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
• Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day
• Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day
• Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide 

here is a video that talks about MDD Major Depressive Disorder project